ZOMG! Poonchy's Bro is writing a movie

[trey]

What's that you say? Yes, like every third person on the planet Earth, I am writing a movie! Why do you ask? Well, over the past few months I have become a big movie fan. Almost obnoxiously so. But with that interest, I figured now would be a good time so take a stab at screenwriting (somewhat). I figured given my age and inability to go to a screenwriting class, my writing would be very green (particularly in the dialogue, pacing and soundtrack choice) so I'm hoping that I can get enough constructive criticism to help me on my next one (until I can get to a screenwriting course, I figured just cranking them out would be the best way to improve).

Anyway, my movie (without title so far) in 10 words or less is about a youg CIA agent infiltrating some radicals. I have the basic structure of it planned out so I could probably get a scene done per week and know here I'm going. Also, I don't know how to convert stuff to a pdf, so unless someone shows me how, bare with me.

[trey]

EXT. COLLEGE DORM (CA) – 2:30 IN THE MORNING

Exterior shot of college. A large black van is parked by one of the doors. Soundtrack plays, “Spanish Rose” by Van Morrison. CUT to

INT. MONICA’S DORM ROOM

Various college-aged kids are studying socially. Sitting on a beanbag chair in the middle is MONICA KAPLAN, 19, dressed in baggy school-color sweats. Sitting/standing around her are her boyfriend, her roommate, her roommate’s boyfriend and a fifth wheel (gender unimportant). Dialogue consists of ad-libs on the subject their studying. A knock is heard at the doors.

ROOMMATE
Hang on. (opens door) Oh hi.

Standing at the door is PERRY, 22, a slender tense looking student. As he talks, he shows subtle, nervous twitchy tics.

PERRY
Hey, uh guys. Hey Monica.

MONICA
(brightly) Hi Perry!

PERRY
Hey. Umm, are you guys, like having a study session or something?

BOYFRIEND
Yeah. Big Psyc exam in 6 hours.

PERRY
(abruptly) Oh, okay, I was just, um, you know what? Never mind, I’ll talk to you guys later. ‘Night.

GROUP
Good night!

Roommate shuts the door, rolling her eyes and smiling.

INT. DORM HALLWAY

(Soundtrack cuts out at his point) Perry walks briskly down the hallway and stairs, now looking annoyed not nervous. He forcibly opens the door to the outside.

EXT. DORM PARKING LOT

Perry walks outside and stands a good distance from the black van. He turns and looks at the van. A knock is heard from the van. Perry walks warily towards the van which opens a door quickly to which Perry jumps in.

INT. SKETCH-LOOKING VAN

The three twenty-something, fit men in the car turn to look at Perry from Perry’s POV. The men are STEFFÀN (sitting in passenger’s seat), KINETSU (sitting in driver’s seat), and JEAN (sitting next to Perry and holding a handgun).

STEFFÀN
Well?

PERRY
Four people, including Monica.

STEFFÀN
Goddammit, are serious? fuck! (smacks seat) We can’t take 5 people at once!

PERRY
Well, what do you want me to do?

Steffàn glares at him.

STEFFÀN
(furious) We need to have that ***** on the fucking plane by 8:00. Before anyone, and I mean anyone knows she’s missing. We have four other people up there, we can’t just fucking leave them! our cover will be blown too soon. I mean, fuck, what are they doing up there? Roman orgy?

PERRY
Chill the fuck out all right. They’re all studying or something. I forgot it was fucking final’s week. You got enough bags?

STEFFÀN
Yeah, we got enough fucking bags. I just….. if Jean watches the car, you act as our cover…. Look, we have to get them all out *at* once just to be safe which is pretty much fucking impossible at this point.

PERRY
It’s two-thirty in the morning. Who’s gonna notice? We could make two trips.

STEFFÀN
(sighs) Goddammit…..
KINETSU
(after a long silence) Why don’t we just kill the others?

The others shoot Kinetsu annoyed, but not angry looks.

STEFFÀN
It would be better to just remove them all together. Plus, if they’re just missing, then it will take longer for anyone to realize something’s up.

Long silence.

STEFFÀN
fuck.

PERRY
(after significant pause) I think I have an idea. I think I can get two guys upstairs to help us.

STEFFÀN
Uh, the hell we will. No way are you bringing *anyone* into this. You hear me. NO. BUD. E.

Steffàn points a gun in Perry’s face as he says this. Perry remains unshaken.

PERRY
They’re goddamn cockhole cockhole cockhole ***hole stoners. If we make up some bullshit story, give them some money, they won’t ask any questions, alright? You don’t have many options here, so I’d suggest you trust me on this one fucking thing and stop measuring your **** everytime shit fucks up.

Steffàn’s glare remains unchanged. The other men now look conflicted over their choice.

PERRY
If anything goes wrong, you can turn me over to Ammer. And kill whoever the fuck else you want.

STEFFÀN
(screws up face) Fine. Jesus Christ, get the bags.

Perry and Kinetsu hop out of the car. Jean hands a thick bundle of duffel bags to Steffàn.

STEFFÀN
Anybody tries to get in, you know what to do, right?

JEAN
(in mocking American accent) Yew got et, bawss.

EXT. COLLEGE PARKING LOT

Perry, Steffàn, and Kinetsu stand at the door to the dorms. Perry pulls out an ID card and swipes it, letting the three into the building.

INT. DORM

Perry begins to jog quickly up the stairs.

PERRY
(softly) You guys just do what you gotta do. I’ll be with you in a minute.

Steffàn and Kinetsu look up at him dubiously as the camera follows the duo going to Monica’s dorm. They stop at a door with a Harry Potter sign on the front. Kinetsu pulls out a key and slowly unlocks the door. Steffàn pulls out a canister.

STEFFÀN
(whispering) Okay, ready. On your mark… get set….

Kinetsu quickly opens the door as Steffàn pulls the top off of the canister and quickly chucks into the doorway, Kinetsu closing it just a quick. From outside, a few confused noises are heard from inside the room before the sounds of the students falling are heard.

CUT TO

A door opening with Perry standing, looking just as flustered as he did at Monica’s door. “Got To Hurry” by the Yardbirds can be heard in the background as marijuana smoke trails alongside the edges of the frame. Perry grins.

PERRY
You boys want to make 20 bucks?

CUT TO

Kinetsu is hurriedly lifting and curling an unconscious student into a duffel bag and kicking it out of Monica’s dorm room. From outside in the hallway, Steffàn stands with 5 very large duffel bags looking down on them very nervously. Kinetsu walks out of Monica’s dorm and shuts the door, locking it behind him with the key.

OFF-SCREEN VOICE
(dazed) The Kappa’s huh?

PERRY (OFF-SCREEN)
Yeah, I don’t know what the hell they’re planning, but it’s supposed to be huge.

Steffàn and Kinetsu wheel around quickly and see Perry and two dazed looking students walk out of a nearby stairwell.

STUDENT #1
Dude….

PERRY
Yeah, it’s gonna be one hell of a prank. Oh, guys, these are two Delta alumni. They’re helping me transport the goods.

STUDENT #1
Sweet. (both wave at Steffàn and Kinetsu who don’t return the gesture)

PERRY
Yeah just grab a bag, the van is outside.

The five of them each lift a bag, struggling with the weight. They descend down the stairwell with Perry leading the way.

STUDENT #2
goddamn cockhole, what’s in the bag? Cement?

PERRY
I told you. Hell, the Delta’s could kick my *** just for letting you guys load it into the truck. Hang on.

Perry opens the door to the outside.

EXT. DORM PARKING LOT

PERRY
Jean! We got ‘em. We got some help though.

JEAN
(from inside the car) Uh, alright then.

The door to the car opens and Perry dumps his bag into the back.

PERRY
Don’t worry, you can just drop them.

The other four follow likewise.

STUDENT #1
god damn

STUDENT #2
Dude, my fucking back…..

Kinetsu slams the car’s door shut and goes to the driver’s side. Perry approaches the two students.

PERRY
Thanks guys, This means a lot. I just can’t have you saying anything about the Kappa’s little surprise, you what I mean. Here…

Perry pulls out two twenty dollar bills.

PERRY
Can I trust you guys to keep mum for a month about this?

STUDENT #1
No prob, Per. Shouldn’t be too hard.

The two students grin at each other.

STEFFÀN
Perry, c’mon… You really think these boys deserve 20 bucks?

Steffàn pulls out a fad wad of 50 dollar bills and pulls out 14 of them from the wad.

STEFFÀN
Here.

The boys take the money, looking as though they were just handed solid gold bongs.

STUDENT #1
Duuuude…..

STUDENT #2
Holy… Jesus.

Steffàn puts a finger to his lips.

STEFFÀN
But, but. You can’t say anything about what happened tonight, comprende?

STUDENT #2
(grinning widely) What happened?

STEFFÀN
(winks) That’s the spirit. Thanks again.
Steffàn hopes into the van as the two students wave at vehicle exuberantly while going back inside, talking wildly to themselves.

INT. SKETCHY-LOOKING VAN

The four men look relieved. Steffàn turns around to face Perry.

STEFFÀN
Wow. That was some expert planning there, partenaire.

Perry grins from the back of the van where he is crouched by the duffel bags containing Monica and her friends.

PERRY
Toldja it would work

STEFFÀN
(half-menacingly) Well we gotta make sure that Cheech n’ Chong don’t end up loosening their tongue in a few more weeks. Or they’ll be the second ones to die. (points a knife in Perry's direction)

Perry’s smile doesn’t falter.

PERRY
I think 700 dollars worth of malt liquor will keep us safe. (picks up tranquilizer gun from floor) How long before the gas wears off?

STEFFÀN
20 minutes, max.

KINETSU
Next stop, Orange County!

The four men cheer, Jean pumps his fist as he does so.

CUT TO

EXT. CALIFORNIAN HIGHWAY – 2:50 IN THE MORNING

The van travels into the distance on a carless road.

[Luke]

Hey Trey,

Welcome aboard. You alluded to this at the beginning of your post, but people should know that you're quite young, right? Are you still in high school? So the advice you're looking for is for someone right on that cusp of branching out into a bigger world and pursing all this stuff.

I won't respond too much to what you've actually written but I will give you some general pointers that I have gleaned over the years. They're the sort of things you will get told when studying writing and you can kind of embrace the parts that you think will work for you or otherwise rebel against them and do the opposite. Either way it will hopefully give you the conviction to write the best way you can, for you.

A few things spring to mind:

- I wouldn't get caught up with things like music choices and where they begin and where they end. That's not your job as a writer. The mood and tone and visuals and music etc will ultimately be decided by the director. You will be writing things that inform those choices, but you need to keep focus on telling a good story. If a character is listening to a piece of music and it's important within the story that it's a particular piece then mention it, or even just mention the style of it, but otherwise I would leave it out.

- Story wise people will usually want to have a good idea of what the hell this thing is about within the first couple of pages. I'm not saying you should be able to predict the plot necessarily, but you should know what it's about. Look at any movie you love and think about the first few minutes. They should tell you a lot about theme and style and character and usually create some sort of premise that will be followed through.

- Screenwriting is incredibly economic. In class they will ask you to cut it down further. You will do your absolute final, this as far as I can cut it draft, and you will then be asked to cut it down further. Time is money. And also what you may scan through on a page will be much longer on film and may not hold attention. So there's a lot of things you need to look at with dialogue. E.g. don't tell us something that the visuals are already showing us.

A general rule of thumb about any piece of dialogue is does it either a) tell us something that we don't know about the character? or b) advance the plot (or even better if it does both. Like I said, screenwriting is very economic). Look at your dialogue, what does it tell us about these characters? What do we know about them? Why are these characters that hook our interest straight away? I'm not saying you have to go into a heap of exposition, in fact you shouldn't in my opinion, but every little quirk, or nuance, or personality trait, or inflection etc will signal to the audience something that makes that character unique.

- Our messed up tampered with swear filter is playing havoc with your post. I swear like a muthafugga in my writing, so it is absolutely bizarro world to have this coming from me, but I would review what you've written and see if all of those fucks are necessary. In a way, because all of the characters are doing it, it kind of flattens everyone out to being the same character. Swearing in writing is a fucking artform in my opinion and there should be a study on it. But you want to think about why people swear. Is it frustration, anger, something emotionally based. Is it as an intensifier? Is to underline a point? Is it because they are a sketchy, ill educated douchebag? What's the reasoning? How does it work. Performing it is even more of an artform. Someone trying to sound tough by saying fuck will sound comical. Doesn't work. I just went through this with my last show, where there were too many swears and they were kind of felt underlined in the performance, whereas when I'm directing I try and sweep the filth under the rug and concentrate more on the ideas surrounding them.

- One last thing. You kind of blow it in the beginning because you introduce us to a group of characters but you don't tell us anything about them. You don't write any dialogue for them (saying it's just adlibbed isn't much of a hook for your reader/director/producer etc) and then we don't really get to see them in any capacity again. You want an opening that is going to get our attention straight away. Are a nameless group with adlibbed dialogue going to do that? If what they're saying isn't important then why show us it at all? Why not start with an anxious Perry bracing himself in the hall? Immediately we'd be thinking, 'What's this guy up to? what is he going to do?' as opposed to 'Who are these douchebags? what are they talking about? why should I give a shit about them?"

Kudos to you for actually doing something, putting it out there in a public arena and trying to learn from it.

[Colossal Cockhole]

Hey Trey, great to see you! I haven't read what you've posted just yet but I will shortly. in regards to converting word to pdf files, theres a plugin for office 2007 that will do that, as well as a few websites out there that will do it for you, though they may put a watermark on it because they want you to buy their software. google it, and you should be able to find one you like. I don't know if other versions of office have the plugin, but worst case you can always email it to me and I can convert it for you.

[trey]

Nov 19, 2008 2:55:33 GMT -5 @Luke said:

Luke's Critique

Yes, I do tend to use profanity as a crutch. This is exactly the advice I was looking for to help rewrite this (which I will do once I find a free hour). I had originally written it as us seeing Perry first, and then changed it, but now that you mention it, his involvement with the scene is more integral and he should probably be the first one seen anyway.

Once I find a pdf, maybe I'll post the second draft (or if I finish the whole thing, wait until I can post the entire piece)

Oh, am I only in high school (junior year).

[trey]

I was able to drastically edit the scene last night, I figured I'd post it before starting the next scene. I did look at some of Luke's advice, and I'm still not 100% on the dialog, but I able to make it tighter which I think was the key goal. Because the characters introduced in the scene are not terribly important later on. In fact the whole Monica plot may not be that important to begin with but we'll see how it ends up fitting. Yeah, so here's Draft 2.

INT. COLLEGE DORM – MORNING (ABOUT 2:30)

Shot of Pro-Environmentalism poster on a dorm hallway. “Take care of our Earth, it’s the only one we have.” (or something to that effect) A head moves into frame, with the camera now tracking said person as he walks down the hallway and stops at the second to last door. His name is Perry, 22, a slight, intense looking student. Perry pulls out a cell phone and looks at for a few seconds. He then pauses for a good period of time, before looking at his phone again, looking more and more concerned and impatient. From inside the room, rock music and indistinct dialogue can be heard. Finally, he looks at his phone, his face relaxes and he types a quick message. Then he raps on the door he has been standing in front of. The door swings open, marijuana smoke trailing along the door’s frame.

PERRY
Hey guys. (eagerly) You wanna be a part of something *really* big?

CUT TO

Perry is now walking down the hallway and stairwell with two disheveled, dazed looking students.

PERRY
…. It’s gonna be this big prank they’re pulling on the Pi Sig’s. And I mean, historically epic.

STUDENT #1
You can’t tell us anything?

PERRY
And what, have our a**es handed to us by Big Ron? No way man. Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t even feel what’s in the bag or you’re liable for all that hazing crap. Trust me. I wouldn’t worry, you’ll see soon enough…

The trio stops before two muscular, anxious-looking men in Delta sweaters, one Japanese the other German, standing next to a pile of five, very full duffel bags.

PERRY
(To the men) Sup, guys. I was able to get some help in loading the cargo.

The two students grin, an expression the men don’t return.

CUT TO

EXT. DORM PARKING LOT – STILL MORNING

Perry swings the door to the outside open. The four others trudge out, carrying the bodies, (one of the men has two) to a dark grey van parked by the building.

STUDENT #2
Oof, Jesus. The fuck you have in here, bodies?

PERRY
(without a trace of nervousness) Hah, yeah. Of course ‘Bring out ya dead!’ ‘Bring out ya dead!’

STUDENT #2
(laughs) But seriously…

PERRY
Just…. I told you, you’ll see. (at the van) JEAN! Open the bag, we got ‘em!

JEAN
(off screen from inside the van) Hang on….

The back of the van swings open and Perry begins to first help the two students load the bags into the back of the van. Jean can be seen looking back at them.

PERRY
Yeah, just throw them on, that’s it.

The last bag is tossed and the Japanese man slams the door shut and goes to the driver’s side. Perry approaches the two students (out of earshot from the van).

STUDENT #1
Hey, who were those two guys?

PERRY
Oh, them? Just alumni. You didn’t see them tonight either. (winks) So gentlemen, just so we’re clear on the whole code of silence, here’s 20 bucks, each.

He hands a bill to each, smiling student.

STUDENT #1
No prob. Anytime man.

GERMAN MAN
Perry, c’mon (walks into frame), I think these boys deserve a lot more for this little operation of ours.

He pulls out a fad wad of 50 dollar bills and pulls out 14 of them from the wad.

GERMAN MAN
Here.

The boys take the money, looking as though they were just handed solid gold bongs.

STUDENT #1
Dude…..

STUDENT #2
.… Jesus.

GERMAN MAN
But, this means not a word, comprende?

STUDENT #2
(ecstatic) Dude, you fucking got it.

STUDENT #1
Hole-lee shiiit….

The German man turns around and gets into the van.

PERRY
Kay. I’ll see you guys later, alright?

STUDENT #2
(still looking at money) Yeah, take it easy….

STUDENT #1
Later!

The two students run into the building, unable to contain their glee. Perry stares at them grinning.

GERMAN MAN
Perry! Get in!

Perry runs into the van which takes off seconds after he gets in.

CUT TO

INT. VAN

Steffàn (the German man) and Jean clap enthusiastically while Kinetsu (the Japanese man) makes congratulatory hooting noises. All look much more relived, if a bit still on edge. Perry, who has crouched in the back of the van with the duffel bags looks very pleased with himself.

STEFFÀN
I gotta say, that was some ***damn amazing plan there Perr.

PERRY
Toldja it would work. What did I say, huh? What did I say?!

STEFFÀN
Now I gotta admit, I was fucking nervous when you said we only had a minute to get it all out. But holy Jesus….. how were you able to convince Reefer Madness to go along with it?

PERRY
Just played it casual. I used to be theater, it wasn’t that hard. They know me, besides. And nobody gets between the frats here.

JEAN
Hah hah, yeah. But you don’t think those kids will loosen their tongues? I mean, at all? Cause, I mean this could get out into the media by tomorrow. I’m just saying….

PERRY
I think 700 dollars worth of malt liquor and hemp will keep us safe. They’re good kids. (laughs to himself) Say, I better get an outstanding report for Mr. Ammer and the Big H once we get to HQ, you hear me boys?

STEFFÀN
Yeah, sure, I guess. (now dead serious) But you do know the minute those boys blow our cover, they’ll be the second ones dead.

Perry’s smile doesn’t falter.

PERRY
You worry way too much dude. We’ve done our part. We’re done. I mean, just done. We just gotta, you know, hope that she is real cooperative and shit like that. This *should* work. Oh! By the way, which one is she?

KINETSU
(still driving) Pink Stripe.

Perry scans the bag pile before pulling the correct one out from under two of the bags. The bags fall and flop a bit on the bumpy van. Perry zips open the duffel bag. Looking back is a 19-year-old girl dressed in sweats, motionless but breathing.

JEAN
Miss Monica….

PERRY
Hmm…. (looks at body with an almost concern)

STEFFÀN
The gas is gonna wear off in a good 20 minutes. There’s some rope chord and duct tape in one of those backpacks.

PERRY
(still intently looking at Monica’s face) Yeah, thanks…

STEFFÀN
(after a long pause) You gonna ask her out or what?

PERRY
(turns around and laughs) You d*ck. Come here! (goes to smack Steffàn’s head)

CUT TO

EXT. VAN – STILL MORNING

Raucous laughter from the men can be heard from outside the van as if travels into the horizon on a car-free road.









Not sure if I should post every draft I do, but I figured it'll at least generate some activity on the board.....

[Luke]

This is so much tighter and better already, Trey. Good shit. Do you feel better about it?

[trey]

Nov 21, 2008 23:23:21 GMT -5 @Luke said:

This is so much tighter and better already, Trey. Good shit. Do you feel better about it?

Yes! Very much so. Rereading, I saw that there was far too much exposition for characters that honestly would not be playing a big role in the overall story and such..... I'll try to get Scene 2 done this week on break.

[stryderwolfe]

read your second draft and it sounds pretty cool.....I don't know a thing about writing screenplays but I like your writing style as far as dialogue is concerned. I'm sure it'll flow more naturally in time as well, as you get to know your characters and their independent personality quirks.

And kudos on doing something at all! It's tough to try and write and hats off to you for doing it! The public forum is a great way to encourage yourself to continue too.

Which reminds me, I think I came up with an idea for a short story today. So I might be next asking for your opinions