Scene 5 of PB's script

[trey]

Well, I'm this far, why stop. Scene 5, ladies and gents. Comments and lots of constructive criticism is always welcome.

EXT – OUTDOOR CAFÉ IN CALGARY - BEFORE NOON

Alex (who has facial hair and is dressed in a gray coat, we assume this is some weeks after the last scene) is sitting with Josh, a younger and much more excitable agent who is smacking away on some junky cheeseburger as traffic is vaguely heard in the outside background. Alex is sitting still, slowly sipping away at a cup of water, and looking off into the distance, distracted, although Josh is aware of this. Josh is yammering on about a past mission he was a part of (I’ll add later, or the actor can just improvise this, then Josh ends his story warily)

JOSH
But yeah, this is why I can never look at Asian twins the same way again….. (looks at watch) Waddya say, you ready?

ALEX
Good a time as any.

JOSH
Yeah…. Well, I’ll tell Bradley that you’re on your way to the house. There’s nothing you want to go over before, you,…. Ya know….

ALEX
Nah, I’ve got it all set. Story’s as airtight as it will ever be…..

JOSH
Awright. But hey, take care man, get out of that shit as soon as you can.

ALEX
Oh, you better believe it.

Josh gives him a bro-hug, which Alex awkwardly tries to reciprocate.

JOSH
Later man, take care.

Alex gives him a confident smile. Then he hops aboard a nearby bus and can be heard asking where it is headed as the scene FADES OUT

FADE INTO

Alex gets off the bus by a large wooded area on a hill with no other landmarks (save the bus stop). He can be heard thanking the bus driver before getting off. He peers off into the forest and pulls out a handgun, tucking it into his waistband. Alex trudges up the hill into the forest. He walks for some time before coming upon a mostly wooden house in a somewhat large clearing. Alex pulls the gun out of his waistband and holds it under his coat, walking slowly up to the house. He finally makes it to the door and knocks very abruptly. No answer.

ALEX
Hmmm…….

Continuing to hold his gun tightly, Alex knocks on the door.

CUT TO

INT. HOUSE BASEMENT

Two silhouetted figures stand, the one facing the camera looking up at the ceiling.

FIRST GUY
What do ya think?

SECOND GUY
Just shoo him away. Bring the Sauer though.

CUT TO

Alex standing at the door. Suddenly the curtain on the window draws back and a face appears. Alex sees it instantly, but doesn’t flinch.

FIRST GUY
Please go away. This is a private residence and we wish to not be disturbed.

ALEX
Excuse me, are you Harold McKinney?

FIRST GUY
Wait….

ALEX
My name is Robert Phillips and I am an associate of Michael Travis. We were both inmates in Folsom State Prison. Michael and I had gotten together in a bar just outside of Big Sur with him about a month ago. Here (takes out a document) this was supposed to be for McKinney.

FIRST GUY
(long pause) Take off your jacket.

ALEX
(takes off jacket and pulls out gun, safely) All I have is this handgun. It’s not even loaded. You can have it if-

FIRST GUY
Just drop it on the ground.

Alex willingly throws it down, even putting his hands in the air afterwards.

ALEX
Michael told me about your organization. He said there’d be a place for me if I would be willing enough.

The first guy opens the door, with his gun drawn and walks slowly towards Alex. He grabs the sheet from his hand and scans it quickly. He takes a few good looks at Alex and gets behind him, pointing the gun at his head.

FIRST GUY
Get in the house.

Alex, his arms still raised above his head, obediently follows.

INT HOUSE FIRST FLOOR

Alex is now standing in the living room of a fairly old fashioned house (much of the inside resembles an old beach house). Standing in the center is a man with one eye, one arm, dressed in old army fatigues, with messy, unkempt hair and a bourbon bottle in hand.

SECOND GUY
Don’t worry about Don, he’s just a security measure. My name is Harold McKinney, but you can call me Skinner. Most of my friends do, and I hope that we can become just that. So you say that you know Michael Travis?

ALEX
Yes.

SKINNER
Well, why were you seeing him in Big Sur?

ALEX
I wasn’t entirely sure either myself. He had gotten a hold of my number a few months ago and wanted to meet somewhere far away. He was talking about some big movement he wanted me to be a part of.

SKINNER
I see. You said your name is Robert Phillips, yes?

ALEX
Yes.

SKINNER
And you served time with him in prison?

ALEX
Yes. We were not cellmates, but we were in an anger management program together.

SKINNER
What was Michael in for?

ALEX
He would never say.

SKINNER
What were you in for?

ALEX
Killed three people in a fit of rage.

SKINNER
Oh? Fit of rage?

ALEX
I was pushed down during a routine fire drill in a strip mall. I had an incident and bludgeoned three people with a bat I had just purchased.

SKINNER
Tssk, tssk.

ALEX
They should have been more polite.

SKINNER
(grin) When you met Michael, how long did you speak with him?

ALEX
45 minutes. We spent much of it catching up. Then he left to get something from his car.

SKINNER
And?

ALEX
I don’t know. He never came back. He had left the paper Don has under his seat. I’m sure my accident.

SKINNER
I see. Where do you live Robert?

ALEX
Detroit, Michigan. Although I studied a few years abroad in Essonne, France.

SKINNER
For?

ALEX
Architecture.

SKINNER
Ah.

(long beat)

ALEX
So, um, exactly what is it that I was sent her for?

SKINNER
Sent here?

ALEX
Well, Michael told me that I would find your organization very….. imperative to my interests.

SKINNER
Ah well, that may be. Do you want to bring a better future?

ALEX
I do.

SKINNER
Do you want to wash the world of its hardships, to bring it out of the hole it has dug itself? At any cost necessary?

ALEX
(pause) Any cost? (Skinner nods) We’re talking lives at stake, correct? (Skinner just stares at him) Well, for the greater good, then yes.

SKINNER
I certainly hope I can trust you. I hope that you have been truthful with me.

ALEX
Or else Don will have to blow my head off, yes?

SKINNER
(slight grin) Well then Robert, I want you to remove your clothes. All of them. And go with Don into the bathroom. It’s nothing personal, it’s just a security measure. Standard for everyone. Don’t worry, you can meet Don’s wife after it is over. Sorry for the rough introduction. I’m very glad to meet you Robert Phillips. You’re about to be a part of something magnificent.

[Luke]

Hey Trey, I gave some general writing advice in this thread noweekwillbewasted.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=group&action=display&thread=76 which you might want to take a look at too. It applies to any script if you want to give it to try.

Other general things you may want to think about is clarifying how you want your ideal audience to feel about your film. If you want them to think it's really kickass then you better make sure it's really kickass. If you want them to think it's funny, then make sure it's funny. Or engaging, or whatever it is. Be your toughest critic and identify what it is you want it to do, and ask yourself if it is really doing it. If it's not, attack it from another angle. Try and identify what's missing and put it in.

And never assume that the audience might feel something you don't. A big mistake is writers looking at their work and going... "Hmmm... I'm not massively engaged by it, but maybe someone else will be." They won't be. If you're 75% invested in it, the audience is probably 50% invested in it. If you're lucky. So make sure you know what you want to accomplish and that you feel like you're accomplishing it. At the moment, as a reader, I'm not entirely sure what you want me to feel when reading it, so I would look at clarifying that for yourself. When it's clear to you it will be easier for you to make it clear for us.

And the only other thing is just keep writing. You'll write a billion things that are shelved, thrown out or just don't go anywhere. But keep writing anyway.

[trey]

M'yeah, looking it over, this could definitely use a rewrite. And certainly because this scene is supposed to have a bit of intrigue to it, which I'm not sure I got (and especially since this is the scene where the protagonist enters into the group from the beginning).

I did follow your link and I should probably also go back and look through Alex's lines. So far, he's been much of an empty vessel and while he'll become much more personable as Robert, he could use a bit better dialog to show us where he's coming from. Basically, Alex is supposed to be a world-weary blank of a guy who acts as an undercover agent. He doesn't enjoy his job, but finds it a lot on life for his skills and knows he can easily throw himself into a character because he doesn't have enough actual personality to shine through (much like Peter Sellers always thought of himself, although Alex probably won't be as funny). Maybe I need more dialog with his wife or something.....

Perhaps this week will be rewrites rather than a new scene. (But yes, I will certainly keep on writing)

[trey]

Actually, come to think of it, perhaps I will post my character list now before I forget. (and for future reference) (the only ones that will be present in more than 2-3 scenes will be Alex, Tariq, Eli, Vince, and Rashad, so it doesn't get too crowded)

CHARACTER LIST

Alex Bennet/Robert Phillips – young but world weary undercover agent. Blank of a man and knows it, uses his lack of personality to throw himself completely “in character”. Unhappy with his career goal, not sure how to react to a movement that he finds speaks to him.

Travis Bradley – Alex’s superior. Places great trust in Alex, worried about what these terrorists can do to American values.

Wendy – Alex’s wife. Pleasant person, but reads too much into faith that everything will turn out well, not logic or actual involvement.

Monica Kaplan – college student, daughter of oil lobbyist. Was in wrong place at wrong time, used to punish her father for his anti-environmentalist ways.

PEOPLE IN THE TERRORIST GROUP (actual name to be thought up later, still taking ideas)

The Humanitarian – enigmatic leader of entire group, concerned with one thing, and one thing only; destroying as many people as possible to bring the world to a balance, to help clear some of the major problems. Doesn’t talk directly to anyone, never reveals himself.

Mr. Ammer – slightly sadistic, the only person who The Humanitarian talks to. Keeps a cold vibe to remain distant from everyone else.

Arthur McDermott – powerful industrialist and billionaire. Funds the terrorist group and acts as a cover.

Harold McKinney “Skinner” – Vietnam war veteran, lives in assumed identity to help contact people in America/Canada. Has heavy disinterest in America.

Perry – college student douchebag, helps kidnap Monica. Is swept up in the movement like it’s a big game.

IN ROBERT PHILLIPS “SQUAD”

Tariq Bakir – genial, family man. Concerned about his children’s future, wants them to have a good life. Uses it as a way to justify his actions, may enjoy the carnage a bit more than he initially lets on.

Eli Mars – scary, very intimidating marksman. However, secretly feels uncontrollable guilt over his actions. Can hardly live with himself, but knows that he cannot turn back now, he’s in too deep.

Vincent DeMonte – teenaged, excitable. Doesn’t necessarily agree with the group, but was sucked into it by his family. Just wants to prove himself, but too childish to fully do so.

Rashad Krimani – leader of the group. Determined to serve his orders, but also keep the group together. Has biggest relationship with Eli, mostly has contempt and a lack of connectedness with everyone else.